How To Set Firm Boundaries Without Coming Off As Rude.
There have been times in my life when I’ve gotten the short end of the stick in work and personal situations. Times when you know you need to set a healthy boundary, but for some reason, you don’t.
It’s okay, it happens.
However, if you find yourself in these sticky situations and you’re left thinking, “You want to please,” or “You want to ensure harmony,” or if you just don’t know what to do. Then it’s time for a change.
Don’t allow your self-doubt or fear of speaking up to result in going with the flow or not getting your point across. It will lead to you becoming intangible to others. Colleagues, friends, family members, etc, all need to know where you stand.
Let’s assume you want to change, but how? Well, in my years of experience there are a few steps I've taken to ensure that I implement healthy boundaries without compromising my integrity or coming off as rude.
It starts with awareness.
Let’s say you want to watch a movie tonight, but your BFF calls and suggests you go for dinner instead. Naturally, you did of course. But did you really want that? Or is there a small voice of disappointment in your head that you immediately tuned out?
Reflect on why and how you made those choices. Being aware of your actions is a way to discover the real reason behind your decisions. So that in the future, you can make a different one, that is more in sync with your true inner voice.
Learn to hear that voice and give it space.
Ask yourself pro-actively “What is it that I want (I in capital and bold letters!). If you do this regularly, that voice will get stronger. And one day, you will hear it speaking out loud. Simply put, the more we know and understand what we want and what we don’t want - the more we can healthily assert ourselves.
Going back to the example from before. This time when your friend calls, you’re more likely to say, “You know what, don’t take it personally, but I would prefer to watch a movie.” Knowing your inner voice means you can actually use it!
Give the voice the right form.
Having found your voice, the answer is not to become emotional but to calmly make your point. In the case of the movie versus dinner, that might not be a big issue. However, what happens when you’re in a much trickier situation? Such as, disagreeing with the choice of holiday destination with your partner. Or, asking for a raise after years of hard work and commitment put into a company.
In this case, the adage, “think before you talk,” has a lot of merits. That inner voice may make a whole lot of sense in our head, but to communicate it with another person or organization, you have to articulate it in a way that makes sense to them.
So this voice needs some food. Some facts. Some reasons. Content that it can use to make its point without becoming abrasive or aggressive. Articulating your voice comes from clearly communicating the main points of your thoughts, wants, and feelings.
Therefore, the next time you’re in a sticky situation, try writing down the best-case scenario that takes into consideration your inner voice. Over time, when you get more attuned to this voice, it’ll be easier to implement it without writing it down.
There’s a wonderful feeling that comes from being valued/appreciated for your point of view. Setting healthy boundaries is a way to get to that feeling. Hopefully, my tips will help as much as they’ve helped me. Do give them a try and tell me how it worked!
