Is avoidance a cultural trap?

This started several months ago – the noisy alarm problem with unidentified source.

Let me share some more details.

We live in a colony in Pune, India, where flats or apartments are very closely built. It’s a good space. But with the thin walls supported with the serenity of early morning, we can hear alarms ringing in remote apartments.

Well, that’s not too much of a problem, until you are facing somebody who puts an alarm at 0430 hours in the morning and keeps it ringing for 2 hours straight. For a minimum of 2 hours, the alarm keeps beeping incessantly without being turned off.

One would suppose that this issue will go away with time. The person responsible will realize this on his/her own one day or someone who could locate the source will take it up.

But that’s not what happened here. While I was away from our apartment during the lockdown, the problem persisted with same frequency and adamancy.

Now, more than 8 months after the outbreak, that we have resumed regular work life, I am having a tough time adjusting to noisy nights.

And even after 8 months, the alarm still rings at 0430 hours and goes on for more than 2 hours.

But where am I leading with this?

In Germany, if we faced similar concern, people would not be so compromising as here in India. Someone would begin yelling out of their window within the first few minutes as the alarm goes unattended.

The next course of action would be to walk up to this neighbour’s door and embarrass him/her publicly.

If that didn't help either, the Police would be called for “disturbance of sleep at night”, resulting in a fine.

Referring to our current situation here in India, after 9 months or so, the infamous alarm continues to ring away to glory, without being muted for hours. I am sure I am not the only one disturbed and bothered by this.

Yet no-one has ever discussed this issue, let alone shout about this. There may have been whispers but they have all been well safeguarded within the apartments.

As this is a constant trouble for me, I shared this problem with a close friend of mine and she put one term to this story, rather situation – ‘Avoidance’

Avoidance to confront, avoidance of conflict, avoidance of getting in a tough situation with someone, avoidance of any unpredictable reactions, avoidance of what may come next.

 Why am I telling you this?

Stories like this tell a lot about cultures and the origin, prevalence and practise of cultures.

As I reflect deeper about avoidance, I remember countless situations in the business context and many more in my personal and social life, where this is practiced.

• Situations where friends ignore our WhatsApp invitations. When they do reply, they dodge questions or invitations that they are not comfortable with. We are quite adept at that, I see.

• Situations where vendors do not pick calls, simply to avoid telling us that there will be delay in delivery of the product or service.

• Situations where people do not respond to emails or invitations, to avoid any banter that would require them to engage and reason.

Avoidance is a disease.

It spreads into all venues of life and leads to stagnation, delay, mediocracy, mistrust, risk, and all things not appropriate, not productive. I could continue the list forever.

While we make so many efforts to avoid a situation or a conflict, what we miss is that avoidance only delays solutions.

I am not a fan of solving a problem by yelling at and embarrassing the other person. And I assume generally no-one wants that. What we do in Germany as a culture may not be the best solution or the best way to tackle such situations. But avoidance is worse. Trust me.

And once that becomes a norm, it’s difficult going back.

Remember, the most difficult battles, sometimes, are the ones that are never fought.

The most difficult problems are the ones that have been ignored for a long time.

The most severed relationships are the ones where people avoid talking about real concerns because it may hurt the other person.

What we need to understand is that if we don’t stand up to our problems, problems will stand up to us always.

Avoidance is never a solution. Not a healthy one, anyway.

If you want to discuss more on this, get in touch with me over direct messages, comments or email me at antje.bauer@strengthminer.com.