Forgiving and looking back at my experience with a Toxic “Leader”

The burnout, toxic leadership, power plays, bureaucratic politics, naïvety and gender bias - Yes, we've all heard these words being used in conversation. However, even after ten years of healing and self-actualization, these words cut deep because for a significant period in my life - these very words were my reality.

This blog is intended to be a recount of an experience. However, to some, it may come across as a rant about a boss or "leader" who was as toxic as he was inspiring (my assessment in hindsight).

The Napoleon Cowboy

For obvious physical traits, the Napoleon Cowboy was what I would call him in my head. While my time working with him is one I would not repeat - the more I am away from him, I have the longest lasting memories of the entire experience. He was actually the one who very painfully taught me about power awareness and loyalty.

Looking back, we were opposite sides of the same stick, me a 6,5ft tall German woman, him a 5ft tall man. I was the proverbial "good girl" to his dark bossman demeanor.

However, what he lacked in stature, he made up for in other tangible strengths. He had a degree of foresight that was amazing; he understood power play better than anybody I have since met.

So, where did it all go wrong?

As brilliant as he was in his accomplishments, he was also ruthless. Getting to goals in any way he could. The pattern was always the same: he would humiliate a person so profoundly that they found themselves with their nose in the dirt. Those who stayed on and fought their way out of the mud gained his respect, and he began to trust them.

Due to this pattern, he was the only person ever to have brought me to the edge of what could have become a severe burnout. What is worse, not only me but countless other colleagues were in the same boat.

I was naïve during the days when all the above happened. I had jumped from being a first-level manager to sitting on the leadership teams of three corporate functions, all of which were led by executive committee members. Plus, I was catapulted from managing a handful of people to working with the senior most people in the organization.

Simply put, I had no idea of power play or male loyalty.

I was solely trying to do a good job – as most women do at some stage of their career. My naïvety was so dangerous – it makes me shiver today. I did not realize the power in my hands came from being privy to the conversations of multiple leadership teams. In fact, I was so loyal that I frankly shared everything I heard with my boss.

You know what they say about hindsight.

Looking back, everything is more apparent now, and I've learned the lessons from the turmoil. This toxic manager was one of my greatest teachers and my greatest nightmares. With the distance of more than 10 years, I can reflect on the situation un-emotionally. I have long forgiven and am at peace.

But one question remains unanswered: why could this man not coach or mentor his team members without being so toxic?

Today, when I put myself in his shoes, I realize what a threat to him I must have been in his eyes. He probably thought that I had access to far more information than him and that I would certainly use it to my benefit.

The reality was that I was very blank political bureaucracy-wise. In fact, I wish he had helped me to gain that awareness. Political savvy is a key success factor not only for politicians but in the same way for business leaders.

Finding a mentor who introduces you to what I would call healthy political savviness is difficult. It is not taught as a subject in any leadership training that I am aware of. The person who ultimately taught me, by the way, is my husband - to whom I am forever grateful. I try to pass on some of these experiences to my coachees, but politics are so company-specific that it would be much more useful to pass such knowledge on within an organization.

The final outcome?

Thankfully, I now have the wisdom to see the lessons from this entire experience, and I realize there are two main outcomes.

One, I know how to coach and lead people in an empowering manner. I can catch and bring to light toxic leadership traits in people. Being able to identify these red flags or triggers helps me see the wound behind the behaviour, which I can address through my coaching.

Secondly, I am now far more discerning when it comes to who I choose as mentors or even role models. However, if I'm being honest, I haven't needed to have one in a long time - this isn't me trying to be conceited - this comes from really understanding who I am as a person and learning about my natural talents.

So, in other words, having a toxic boss and incredible people in my life have taught me lessons that have impacted my life, and looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way!